Sunday, July 30, 2006

"Bigger, and more precise"

Witness the internet...sort of.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Why is slow?

This morning I received a troubling email:

Brian King <not_his_real_address@myrealbox.com> writes:

Why is slow?
My internets are slow today and adding more tubes on my end did not work.
Would you please add some on your end to make them even?

Thanks
Brian

Brian, first I have to wonder why you would have email through myrealbox.com? 10MB?! I laugh at your 10MB of space. I have nude images of past and future girlfriends that are larger. Sure, it may just be a Beta test for Novell NetMail, but that doesn't make it right. As for the tubes, I would love to help but our ration has been seized by Senator Stevens (R-Alaska) for his upcoming Internet 2 project. I believe he plans to "fill" them with "enormous amounts of materials". We have tried sending him our copy of the Internet to see if he can increase the speed, but it does not appear to have reached him yet. We will keep you updated on the progress. If anyone has any leads on some Internet Tubes, please let us know.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Freedom Fries


In commemoration of Bastille Day, we have decided to turn off the Internet (but only in France). If you live in France you will not be reading this, because we already turned it off (and you probably can't read American anyways). As soon as you are finished with all of the celebrating, we will be happy to plug you back in. Please send me an e-mail, and notify me.






In other fake news, please watch the below video:

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Internet up, but not helpful... [UPDATE]


So somebody please tell me how within five minutes I can learn the basics of flying a helicopter, throwing knives, total amount of Simpsons dolls a cat will tolerate before going apeshit and fending off zombie attackers....

YET, there's no websites for dissassembling the common office chair. Google it, MSN it, whatever....you won't find shit.

Seriously...what the fuck?

Also, I called their helpline which is only open M-F 8-5. Pretty helpful since all their clients are office drones, meaning they work those exact hours. I'm on to you chair-makers...you push your second rate goods on us hard workers while you sit back and laugh when we try to dissassemble them.

This isn't about the chair though, it's about the internet failing it's soul purpose...

UPDATE: So it turns out you can disassemble these three parts with a rubber mallet. I found this out from a human though. So there you have it, a InternetStat.us web exclusive...this is how you take apart the hardest part of an office chair....brute force with man made tools. Sounds like an episode of The View.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Reader Mailbag!

Today we will answer some emails from our readers!

Erwin Manning <tkrueger@weitel.com> simply writes:
QP

Erwin Manning's included image
(Along with the attached image)
Well Mr. Manning,
I too have had my fair share of pink sheets from women who swear it will be another few days. I find soaking them in some warm salt water for an hour and then pretreating them really makes them fresh and clean for your next nightly endeavor.


Edwin Metz <tkudla@ramco-gershenson.com> writes:
Having problems maintaining a full erection or one at all?
\/lagra works excellently for your problem.
Get your confidence back, and have great s e x.


Dear Edwin,
I appreciate the discretion you have exhibited by spelling out "sex" and replacing various letters in "Viagra" with symbols. This will ensure that if my children are looking over my shoulder while I'm reading email they will most definately not know what we are discussing. As for your questions, YES I have many erection problems, mostly that I can never get anyone to get near it. If you have a pill that will get a 36-24-36 to hoover my purple one-eyed monster, please let me know.


Finally Quinton Reagan <tkuen@buehner-fry.com> asks:
VIP REPLICA //ATCHES!

We offer a free gift box with every VIP watch ordered. You can use it as a lovely gift for your friends or
relatives or keep your gorgeous watch there. No matter what you do with your watch, you will enjoy it.

-All Time Classics
-Exquisite R0lex Replica
-Superb Quality //atch

and others!#

Check out our gift boxes that will make the present even more glamorous.


Q.R.,
I like the way you think, I would definitely be interested in a free gift of box and I would also like to watch. Please sign me up for a baker's dozen.


That does it for our reader hoebags. If you have any questions for the Internet Administration Team just send us off an email: questions@internetstat.us

Monday, June 26, 2006

OMFG, TEH iIPL EXISTS!!111




I wouldn't believe it if you told me, but apparently there is an illusive organization called the International Internet Protection League (iIPL) dedicated to protecting the internet. There is very little information as of yet, primarily because they're not on any government's books. Does anybody have any information about the iIPL, or is this just a hoax?!

Thanks for the tip Rodger.

That Internet Task Force We Were Talking About...

Looks like that Internet Task Force mentioned in the previous post already exists....and this was a long, long time ago. Look at the tools they're using and that was at 56k! Society is doomed now that teh hAx0rz have broadband and in some parts of the world (Crawford, TX) fiber to the curb. Who will save us?

Friday, June 23, 2006

U.S. Not Ready for an Internet Outtage [UPDATE]


Well, good thing we have this site...otherwise we'd all be doomed according to Ars Technica. A dossier by the Business Roundtable reports dark times for our internet future:

"The group spent the last year looking at Internet safety and disaster recovery and concluded that a major strike (involving hackers, malicious software, natural disaster, or physical attack) on the basic fabric of the Internet could bring the US economy to a halt..."

The report apparently also notes the need for a task force of sorts, an international Team America of protectorz of teh intarwebs:

"The report again points to government agencies that take the lead in other areas—the National Weather Service for storms and hurricanes, the Centers for Disease Control for infectious disease. The Internet needs the same level of leadership and coordination."

Who will stand up to evil forces and provide us digital water bottles and warm blankets in our time of need? How will we check our e-mail and illegally download music if all is lost? The time is now fair citizens.

[UPDATE: I've been informed by reader Jenny Lewis that she is "ready and willing to fight for the sake of the internets" and adds "Chuck Norris has an orange glow about him that makes me ready for action" I hope she's talking about fighting cyber crime and not getting down with Walker, Texas Ranger. Thanks Jenny.